When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
