if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
