Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
