Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
