I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
