That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need moral support for this bender
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
