I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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