Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
