You work out of a Hotel?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you had me at cake vodka
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
