just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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