ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
