John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
