the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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