My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Randomize
