does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
