i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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