so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
