So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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