somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
