I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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