She is in my trunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
