Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
