he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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