Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
