If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
