Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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