I'm really into asian looking animals
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
