you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize