I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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