On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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