This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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