When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
