but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
