this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
