I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
