You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she smelled like a LAN party
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
