After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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