i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
