I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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