it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just had sex bonerless
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
