Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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