I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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