I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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