When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
