I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
