it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
