So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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