my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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