i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
