I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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