Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm passing your future prison.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
