my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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