You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize