I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
