Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
