You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
